Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Oh boy, do I ever feel like roadkill today. Where to begin? Well I could beat around the bush but at this point I feel like that would do me no good.  Besides, freedom of speech....I can say whatever I feel! So today was the day from hell.  It didnt start out that way, I was actually in a really good mood today....wasn't feeling too bad about having to go to work, thought maybe I'll make some good coin today, and I knew that some of my favourite people would be working today. (you know who you are preggers!) I had every intention of making the most of my day and was feeling quite zenlike and happy to be alive.

Wow, did that ever get squashed on.

Now I don't pretend to be perfect or blame free.  I never have.  I may be stubborn sometimes but I also admit when I am wrong, even if I really dont want to. But today.......well I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. Although this doesn't completely surprise me, I got totally shat on today at work.  Nothing I did was I know the question is well is that my fault? Yes and no. But when you start giving someone negativity and stress when they make a mistake, it only creates more havoc. Negativity manifests more negativity. So from there I guess it was all just a big fat downward spiral until at the end I found myself basically being given the ULTIMATUM. Of course I was upset. I held myself together until I could make it out the door, and then the floodgates opened.  Luckily enough it was raining hard at the time, so no one could tell if it was rain or tears.  I practically threw myself into a cab and called one of my friends/partners in crime. Being consistently shat on herself in exactly the same yas me, I knew that she would feel my pain. After talking to her I felt so much better.....well temporarily I did. Of course basically ever since I got home the waterworks have been on and off consistently so that must mean I don't feel that much better.  And I'll tell you why.  Because I began to wonder if I am actually being slowly forced out from my workplace by 'people' who don't like me. Because I dont think I'm superwoman, but I think I'm a pretty damn good waitress. (not my dream career, trust me!) So if it's not that I am totally inept and just completely suck at my job, then there's only one other explanation.  And trust me, I have no reason to beleive anything else. There have been many other people who have experienced similar workplace symptoms as what does that tell you? That we all suck? Not likely.  More likely than not there's some tripping going on. Some very big very nasty power tripping.  I've tried time and time again to find the good, hoping there would be some redeeming quality to prove me wrong, some shred of true decency and fair play, some kind of great person underneath all that professional flim flam. Seems I haven't quite scratched that surface. And now I don't even want to try anymore. Why should I? What good would it do? Whereas I do agree we may not always be our true selves in the the workplace, I like to think that the true essence of our core still finds a way to shine through. That people can still sense the kindness or lack of sincerity in others. I know that I don't always make my true self known, even so, in spite of that, most of my coworkers know me to be a decent, fair, hardworking and kind person.  Guess that doesn't count for much to some people. Guess some people just don't care who they hurt.  Oh right, I forgot.  It's not personal, it's just business.

But here's the beauty of it.....which I know many of you poor people out there can understand. There are so many times when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  You either put up with it, or find a different job. Complaining or reporting the abuse isn't going to solve the problem, because you will just be 'dealt with', ie served your walking papers.  Most people just quit and can't be bothered to write letters or complain to the corporation or labour board, so they just get off scott free. There is so much of that in our world.  We are expendable, not truly valued, easily replaceable, and boy, do they ever let us know it. And what can we do but swallow our pride and apologize for every little infraction. Because we need the job, beacause we need the money.  So we go on in our own little way, slowly bit by bit having our self esteem chipped away, but always putting on the happy face, each time vowing to try a little harder, do a little better, and find a way to make our employer proud.  Funny thing is, you can't be proud of something you don't give a shit about.

Friends, let me give you some advice. If your work has a high turnover, it is because they view and treat their employees as expendable.  When people are treated fairly, they stay in their jobs.

Well we students do what we can for a living until we've finished our educations, right?  Then it's all bound to change hopefully. One more year one more year one more year.

Am I having a bad day? Yes.  Will I pull my socks up tomorrow, put on the happy face and try to prove them all wrong? Yes, but only because I am a tough and stubborn bitch who refuses to just flicker and die out. Will this seem like such a big deal in the morning? Probably not.  But one things for sure.

I've always got something up my sleeve.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

So much to say but I'll just stick to the basics.

   Right now there are a virtual myriad of things floating around in my head. I've never been happy just having a few things to think about; there always has to be multiple ideas coming and going.  Sometimes, I'm reminded of a thought that somehow got pushed out and replaced by another one. For example, yesterday a friend and I were walking down commercial after sharing some wine at our fave wasn't too cold out and I was feeling festive and contented. Two men came sauntering before us, one was playing the acordion, the other a flute.  I asked my friend to stop and watch for a moment as they passed by, my eyes never leaving the mans fingers as he lovingly pressed the keys. For those who know me from 'back in the day', you will know I was talking about the man with the flute. (no offence acordion guy) And it got me to thinking....."Oh yeah, last year I wanted to start playing the flute again!" Whatever happened to that idea?  Life.

   And I started to wonder......why does life happen in that way?  Why do we always push aside our wants, needs, dreams and desires in place of the pursuit of the status quo? It seems the more immediate, pressing things become all consuming. What bills do I have to pay, oh I'm going to vegas next week, how long do I have to save to get the new flatscreen I want? But my bills, vacations, and shiny new gadgets don't make me who I am....but instead of my deepest desires, those are the things that take prevalence.  At the end of the day we are so tired from work, daily bs, worries and wants, that we dont take the time or energy for anything else.  Sleep work dog gym friends school work work think think worry worry. Rinse and repeat.

   This next year I want to learn to drive standard, finish my unfinished paintings, finish my portfolio, take some dance classes, take my dog to obediance, get a different job, start playing flute again, renew my iranian passport, pay off my loans, get new furniture, live somewhere I love, and just have more time for me and my hearts desires. Or will I be too busy with life to live it? Or will I be too busy thinking about the Joneses and forget what I want all over again?

   I got smart. I wrote them all down.