Monday, November 22, 2010

No more

It used to be okay when I was young and impulsive and didn't know how to stand up for myself. But its not okay to be treated like this anymore. When in my early teens and 20's I did make a lot of mistakes, I did hurt some close friends of mine. I have tried to learn from my mistakes and become a better person. The problem is, as much as these friends of mine say they have forgiven me, obviously they have not bc past incidents are still being brought up. This is all I can say. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough for them, whatever efforts towards friendship I make, its seems they think that everyone else is such a better friend than me, that somehow the things I do have alterior motives. That I'm trying to be sneaky. The truth is, I'm just not that devious, it's not in me to conjure up the meanest thing I could do to hurt someone. The truth is that I am being painted as a usual. My past mistakes, most of which were made over 8 years ago, must be the reason for this, as I have tried not to do anything dishonest since. The sad thing is, even though I did some stupid and hurtful things in my past, I never did them intentionally to hurt someone. Not that this makes it okay, but in turn I have friends who have intentionally in the past done things purposly knowing they would hurt my feelings. That is thought out, premiditated, and the worst betrayal of all. But I tried to be fair, I tried to take responsibility for what could have been my part in it, perhaps I did in some ways create some of the situations where people felt compelled to lash out at me in that manner. I know, at the time, that I was not perfect.
The problem now is, no matter what good intent I do have, these people always have something to complain about. I don't divulge enough of my life, or give enough of my time, or am trying to be sneaky in my actions. Those are some of the accusations I get. Honestly, I never pretended to be perfect, but I always stay in touch with these people, phoning often,trying to be kind, calling for bdays and christmas, etc. It is not enough. They have to complain to me about how I don't seem to be trying, or blogging hurtful comments that they know I will read. If nothing else, its the blog that hurts the most. Because I also know other people may see that and know who they are talking about. If I ever thought those things of a friend, I wouldnt want them to find out in that manner. What a hurtful thing to do. The arguement here is now the way I am handling this situation. No, I cannot take back the way I reacted to it, nor do I wish to. I had tried to call this person just to say hello the other day. They were not answering, I figured they were out. No biggie. It was only after that when I read their hateful blog. They then returned the call they missed from me, not knowing I had just read their blog. Of course by this time I had no desire to speak to them, and was so hurt. So I didnt answer. I also deleted them from some of my social networking sites. I know what that implies. It implies you are done with them. It hurts to say it, but no matter what I do or how nice I am now or how much I try, even if I became a doctor and had a perfect life and did everything right. It still would never be enough. Everything that happens and everything I do never seems right to these people. I don't know what it is, but it isn't love. These people do not love me, and surely don't seem to appreciate me or have much use for me. So what good am I to them? What good will I ever be if they always have something to be unhappy about? Thats not what I want; I want my friends to be glad they know me, are happy to have me in their lives and appreciate me. I want to be able to offer them something valuable and special. I don't want to mistrust and be mistrusted.After so long, is this still how you see me? As immature and devious and useless? Then what good am I? I will make life easier for you; I won't be in yours anymore. Maybe that makes me an asshole, for walking away. At least I'm willing to stand up for myself and not be around people who think so little of me. I no longer desire to be friends with people who basicall think they are better than me and always will try to make me feel inadequate. Oh, I'm sure the other side of the story will paint me in some evil manner. Don't worry I'm used to it. It does of course hurt me to make this choice, but what other choice do I have? I don't want to work it out or talk about it; it's just going to happen again and I don't want to have a life like that. I deserve more, even if someone thinks I'm a bitch. I know who I am and that's all that matters to me.

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