No more

It used to be okay when I was young and impulsive and didn't know how to stand up for myself. But its not okay to be treated like this anymore. When in my early teens and 20's I did make a lot of mistakes, I did hurt some close friends of mine. I have tried to learn from my mistakes and become a better person. The problem is, as much as these friends of mine say they have forgiven me, obviously they have not bc past incidents are still being brought up. This is all I can say. Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough for them, whatever efforts towards friendship I make, its seems they think that everyone else is such a better friend than me, that somehow the things I do have alterior motives. That I'm trying to be sneaky. The truth is, I'm just not that devious, it's not in me to conjure up the meanest thing I could do to hurt someone. The truth is that I am being painted as a villain....as usual. My past mistakes, most of which were made over 8 years ago, must be the reason for this, as I have tried not to do anything dishonest since. The sad thing is, even though I did some stupid and hurtful things in my past, I never did them intentionally to hurt someone. Not that this makes it okay, but in turn I have friends who have intentionally in the past done things purposly knowing they would hurt my feelings. That is thought out, premiditated, and the worst betrayal of all. But I tried to be fair, I tried to take responsibility for what could have been my part in it, perhaps I did in some ways create some of the situations where people felt compelled to lash out at me in that manner. I know, at the time, that I was not perfect.
The problem now is, no matter what good intent I do have, these people always have something to complain about. I don't divulge enough of my life, or give enough of my time, or am trying to be sneaky in my actions. Those are some of the accusations I get. Honestly, I never pretended to be perfect, but I always stay in touch with these people, phoning often,trying to be kind, calling for bdays and christmas, etc. It is not enough. They have to complain to me about how I don't seem to be trying, or blogging hurtful comments that they know I will read. If nothing else, its the blog that hurts the most. Because I also know other people may see that and know who they are talking about. If I ever thought those things of a friend, I wouldnt want them to find out in that manner. What a hurtful thing to do. The arguement here is now the way I am handling this situation. No, I cannot take back the way I reacted to it, nor do I wish to. I had tried to call this person just to say hello the other day. They were not answering, I figured they were out. No biggie. It was only after that when I read their hateful blog. They then returned the call they missed from me, not knowing I had just read their blog. Of course by this time I had no desire to speak to them, and was so hurt. So I didnt answer. I also deleted them from some of my social networking sites. I know what that implies. It implies you are done with them. It hurts to say it, but no matter what I do or how nice I am now or how much I try, even if I became a doctor and had a perfect life and did everything right. It still would never be enough. Everything that happens and everything I do never seems right to these people. I don't know what it is, but it isn't love. These people do not love me, and surely don't seem to appreciate me or have much use for me. So what good am I to them? What good will I ever be if they always have something to be unhappy about? Thats not what I want; I want my friends to be glad they know me, are happy to have me in their lives and appreciate me. I want to be able to offer them something valuable and special. I don't want to mistrust and be mistrusted.After so long, is this still how you see me? As immature and devious and useless? Then what good am I? I will make life easier for you; I won't be in yours anymore. Maybe that makes me an asshole, for walking away. At least I'm willing to stand up for myself and not be around people who think so little of me. I no longer desire to be friends with people who basicall think they are better than me and always will try to make me feel inadequate. Oh, I'm sure the other side of the story will paint me in some evil manner. Don't worry I'm used to it. It does of course hurt me to make this choice, but what other choice do I have? I don't want to work it out or talk about it; it's just going to happen again and I don't want to have a life like that. I deserve more, even if someone thinks I'm a bitch. I know who I am and that's all that matters to me.

Holiday workin'

Well, I must admit, it's been a rough couple of months. I started a new job in september, but being a new business, we are having a little bit of slow opening blues. Ie: we aren't as busy as we'd like to be. With that being said, we have ironed out the major kinks and now have a kick ass menu and chef. We also have some good christmas parties coming in this season, to hopefully keep us busy, and make future steady clientele. I work with a great team of people, and I really do want to stick around and see how far we can go. However, I do have to pick up a second job in the meantime, which kind of has to be my bread and butter job; its really got to put some cash in my wallet until job number one becomes more profitable. Simple, right? Well it seems everyone has the same idea as me right now because the pickings are slim. Either everyone has already done their xmas hiring, or isn't hiring at all. But I am not to be discouraged. Small bit of good news is also that I do have an interview tonight, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that. I know it'll all fall into place soon, but I'm trying to plan for xmas and we all know that costs money! I'm planning to go home to saskatchewan for the holidays, so I need to buy my plane ticket soon, I don't like doing things like that at the last minute! I figure I've got some good karma coming my way, can I redeem it now?

Karma

It's so sad how things turn out sometimes. You always assume that your loved ones are going to support your decisions and, even if they don't like them, will come talk to you about them so that they can get the real picture, instead of jumping to the first and worst conclusion. You don't think they will go and spread around your dirty laundry because they are mad at you. That's not honorable. Whether it be family or friends, even if they have wronged me, I don't go and spill their thoughts, feelings or secrets to others the first chance I get. Two wrongs don't make a right. I may not be perfect, I have never implied that I am, but I would never dishonor myself or any of my loved ones in that manner. If nothing else, this situation has served to teach me who I can and cannot trust. Being ostrasized is never an enjoyable experience. But now I know that I am strong enough to stand tall, stand up for myself, and request that others take responsibility for their mistakes, I feel alot better. Just remember...karma doesn't discriminate against anyone. It holds everyone on the same level on the justice scale. What you give is what you get. So for those who have given poorly, karma has an appointment with you. I have given so much and gotten so little in return; but I know it's only a matter of time before that changes; so I am grateful for the life lessons, and will continue to try and do my best!

Thanksgiving revelations

I learned something important about myself last night. Well, not so much about myself as much as about the people in my life. Blood isn't always thicker than water. The word 'family' doesn't always mean relatives. Family are those people who love you, support you when you are down, are happy for you when you are happy, accept you for who you are, don't judge you, and most importantly, you can be yourself around them and fully enjoy their company! All I can say is I have some friends that fit the family bill better than my family does. I have decided that whoever actually fits into those parameters, blood or not, are the people I'd most like to spend the majority of my time with, on regular days or holidays. Don't feel obligated to be with people you don't make you feel good just because they are related to you. I know so many people who are completely miserable during the holidays because they think they have to spend them with their parents, siblings, cousins, uncles, etc, and they end up never having a good time. Being related, unfortunately, isn't a prerequisite for having to treat each other well. Now don't read into this too much. I'm not saying I'm being treated badly by anyone, because I'm absolutely not. It's more just a general feeling of not fully belonging, feeling like the outsider looking in. All I'm saying is I have people in my life that don't make me feel that way, and they're not related to me. But that doesn't make them any less important. In fact, it makes them more special because they're not my relatives; there's no moral familial obligation to be nice to me simply because we have the same dna.

Of course these feelings do not encompass my entire family unit; there are those who love me and accept me as I am and I fully enjoy them. They know who they are! All I can say to them is thank you for loving me with no judgement or limitations. It means so much to me!

Long overdue

It's been awhile. Partly for 2 reasons actually. First because my old laptop went to computer heaven so I didn't really have regular access to the internet. Second because I really didn't 'feel' like writing. Do you ever just feel like you have nothing to say? That's writers block for me, I just get in these modes where I don't have anything I want to say. I know, for those of you who know me that's sort of shocking right? Well, it happens to the best of us, right? It's not because I was depressed or anything, I just needed to process things, take a break from my mind; I feel like if I'm going to write I should have something relevant to say,(at least relevant to me) otherwise I shouldn't bother. So I'm going to try.

I read back on blogs I've posted in the past, and I get reminded of all the hopes and dreams and goals I have for myself. What it's made me realize is that I forget very quickly what those goals are unless they are screaming reminders in my face everyday. It's so easy to forget about what you want sometimes, it seems to get lost in the everyday problems of life, work, bills, etc. Time goes by so quickly and then you look back and realize all your dreams have been put on hold by all the bull that gets in the way. How do you manage to do the mundane things that you have to do everyday to survive (ie work) and then still have the drive or time or energy to remember that you need to pursue your passions as well? I guess that's one of the big reasons that I didn't feel like writing. I wasn't doing the things I wanted, wasn't pursuing them. Life goes by very quickly with just your job and school and chores to pass the time. It's like you take the time to look back on it and it's the same old story. I started out with all these goals, and yes I'm on the path to following some of them, but mainly, not so much. I had made a list of all these goals, but I didn't do what I should have with it. I didn't put it in my face. I didn't put it somewhere that I could see it everyday. That's what I need to do, I think that it would help. So that's what I'm going to do. End of story.

In other news, I got another job. It's in yaletown, and it's this great new italian restaurant/lounge called Fiasco. We just opened last week, and it's been going pretty good. We're relatively busy, but I know we'll get busier still, people just need to know we're there and we'll slowly grow from that. We have great food and cocktails plus live music and dj's on the weekend, so it's a great start. Plus I really love all the staff I work with, we have a great little team. Everyone is very experienced in the industry and really passionate about food and people. I'm excited to see where it goes! Come check it out if you're in Vancouver, and let me know how you like it! We are at 1168 Hamilton.

Besides that, I am in school part time. It's only one day, so I still have time for other things. I really need to start banking my christmas money now; I want to go home to saskatchewan this year. It's what I'm looking forward to actually. I haven't been home since last summer so of course I'm starting to get a little homesick. I think it'll do alot to boost my spirits. Yes I like xmas here, but PA is where I grew up and spent most of my holidays. It doesn't feel the same when I'm not home with them on the special days. Just like most families we have our own special traditions and I'm looking forward to that most of all.

Happy thanksgiving to everyone. Hope you have alot to be thankful for.

Hit the wall!

I did hit the wall, but not in a bad way. Let's just say I've had enough of waiting for things to get better, and now I actually feel driven and strong enough to actually go out and make it happen! I had an awesome time at work last night, all my customers were fun and engaging; I didn't feel like I was working, if only every day were like that! But there was this one couple in particular that were just spectacular. And I mean that in every sense of the word. They were celebrating their anniversary, and I must have spent half my shift just talking with them. They are both creatively artistic people like me, and 'bookies', ie people who love books and reading, and we had the most fun conversations! I just kept going by to 'pour their wine', and learned the most fascinating things. They could tell I was a big literature buff, and when I told them I was going to journalism school, they were not surprised. He himself is a writer, and she is an artist. I ended up telling them that sometimes it's really hard for me to write, and he said that I should try to find bit of time every day to write something, even if it's non sensical. It's just like any other muscle in the body, if you use it alot, it gets stronger. Of course I knew this, but it was nice to hear someone else say it, especially someone who's "been there". Although it wasn't an life changing conversation, it did give me something to think about, something I actually should be thinking about! So I guess we will see where these thoughts lead me!

Oh, and did you know that jose cuervo tequila is actually only 60% tequila and 40% something else? Apparently the creative couple are big tequila buffs, and they told me that. Hmmm, guess I'll have to google that to see!

me

So I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there are some things I've come to embrace about myself. I am flawed, just like everyone else; it is okay to not be perfect, it is okay to make mistakes. The point is that I am constantly on the journey of discovery, not just about life and knowledge, but also about myself. Who I am as a person. This is some of what I know so far.

I am an emotional, feeling person. I've often let my heart rule my choices. This is, obviously good and bad. What I am proud of is how far I've come with it. What I mean is that I'm so much smarter now when it comes to decisions of the heart. I'm not that blubbering, wide-eyed lovesick optimist that I was when I was younger. That doesn't mean I'm jaded, it actually means that I'm wiser, more well adjusted and know now what's right and what I will and will NOT put up with. Here's what I know for sure. Even when I've been knocked out mercilessly by loves hangover, I've found a way to rise above, overcome and try to learn better for next time. I'm very good at standing on my own two feet now. I'm super proud that not once in my life have I had a man taken care of me; I've always paid my own rent and bills! And I'm smart enough now to walk away from anyone that can't be real and treat me how I should be treated! Basic point, I won't do anything that hurts me, I love myself too much for that, and I feel blessed to even realize that!